Remarkably Mediocre

When I was in my twenties, I thought I was invincible. Does anyone else remember that stage? I did some really dumb stuff without ever considering the consequences. Got on the back of a motorbike with a random stranger in Thailand after spending the whole night at a full moon party? Tick. Hitchhiked in outback Australia after Wolf Creek happened. Yep, did that. Got in the car with a drunk driver? Shamefully so.

Thankfully I grew out of that stage but along the way, I went in completely the opposite direction. Now I spend so much time in fear, that I feel I’ve forgotten how to live. I fear failure so much that I stopped trying. The biggest risk I take these days is trying something different on the menu. Or taking a different way home to mix things up. The psych I see, names it anticipatory anxiety. I really feel that.

10 years ago, I changed jobs at the drop of a hat whether it meant a pay cut or not, had a different hair colour every other month and tried a new hobby or activity at least weekly. Out of nowhere, I realised that I am scared to change jobs because I don’t want to leave my comfort zone or the high salary and don’t want to dye my hair because it took so long to grow out. The only new activity I’ve tried is growing flowers (don’t get me wrong, I really love that). I also slept up a mountain in the snow, does that count? But, other than that, I feel like I’m scared of my own shadow these days.

I’d love to quit my job and take some time to figure out what really sets my soul on fire – I know I’m not alone here. That would be up there with hitchhiking for stupidity though. I earn multiple 6-figures from my day job and it is safe and secure and not too tasking. The only real issue is that it’s not really aligned with what I want to do anymore (other than make a lot of money). And that it doesn’t give me the freedom I’d like. I work for someone else, shift work and 5 weeks annual leave per year…which I have to ask permission for.

I get frustrated by having to fit all of the activities I’d like to try into 2 days every week. I’d love to have the flexibility (never mind the funds) to go and learn how to Tango in South America, hike in Patagonia, horse ride across Kyrgyzstan or swim with whale sharks whenever I feel. Heck, who wouldn’t!

Instead of mentally quitting my job every 2 minutes, I’m switching to starting small. Looking for the positives in situations instead of anticipating the negative. This might be something as I get to go to work today where I make enough money to take my daughter skiing in New Zealand. Or, I don’t have time to do a hike today but I can take my dog for a walk. Or when my colleagues are annoying me, trying to think of their positive traits instead. Trying to spot the wonder in the every day.

Aside from that though, I need to put more effort into doing the things I want to make a life from, instead of just hoping it suddenly falls into my lap. I’ve said I’d like to make jewellery for the last 10 years. How many times do you think I sat down and practiced making jewellery? Maybe a grand total of 3 weeks. I’ve wanted to write for as long as I can remember. Have I committed to a regular writing session every week? Not ever. I always dreamed of a creative career as a kid but the sewing dried up as soon as I discovered partying. Not once have I fully committed to something and tried to become better at it. So, instead of complaining about my job, I’m going to do more about changing it.

What gives you wonder? Do you tend to see the positive or the negative?